In our first edition of the Silly Segment, we review a tumultuous week in our great game by poking fun at anything with a pulse, namely Fremantle, Brisbane redheads, and hopefully the AFL Administration.
Leading goal-sneak languishes on the pine as allegations of bullying come to the fore.
Josh Green has been plying his trade in the Brisbane reserves as of late but allegations have arisen that this may be due to something other than the form of the small forward, that it may in fact be the frustrating and ridiculous contrast between his hair and his last name. We reached out to coach Justin Leppitsch at the Gabba for comment.
“Yeah it’s annoyed the s*** out of me,” he said, as I stared pointedly at his own carrot top. “I’ve been waiting for him to clock in a performance like that all year so I could have an excuse to drop him.”
The move has reportedly created dissension amongst the playing group, with some players rumored to have stated that “we need all the help we can get on this sinking ship”. Captain Tom Rockliff was questioned about the form slump Green currently finds himself in, and his view is a far contrast from his peers.
“I always thought his hair was more of a misty auburn to be quite honest with you.”
“If he shows enough ticker in the two’s then maybe, just maybe, they won’t give him any more grief over his hair.”
Richmond and September: Tigers a fighting chance?
Finals are on the cards for the Richmond Football Club. Nicely placed at 14th with four wins and six losses, Richmond’s inspiring charge to ninth spot on the ladder after three consecutive victories has supporters and pundits in a frenzy of excitement. Skipper Trent Cotchin is having a purple patch, Dustin Martin is firing on all cylinders after best on ground honours in the dreamtime match with 38 disposals, and the recent return of Brett Deledio is proving just as prolific as the second coming of Jesus Christ. With a kind draw and key players in hot form, surely the long suffering tiger supporters can dream of a surprise final’s berth?
I caught up with Gerard, a Richmond fanatic and recently discharged psychiatric patient. I asked him about Richmond’s finals prospects as he stared hungrily at a flock of pigeons. I had a strange feeling I would soon know the particulars of his recent rage issues.
“Not a chance. Not a chance in hell. You blithering idiot. Did you know I’ve been admitted into psychiatric care three times in the last three years for episodes of psychotic rage? You wanna hazard a guess at when that might have happened? That’s right, Richmond elimination finals baby. I had a front row seat to the horror shows and I saw the light in their eyes fade away. They are so unbelievably rage inducing that I’ve got a massive headache just thinking about those days.”
I took this comment, and the rapidly rising red hue of his face, as a definite cue to run away as fast as I could.
Feature Analysis: Freo oh Freo
There are several alarming aspects to Fremantle’s dramatic fall from grace. The first would be the allegations of tanking leveled at the club, and the continued calls for an investigation into club conduct. Considering the Dockers have gone from Minor Premiers, to bottom of the ladder and without a win ten rounds into the 2016 season, I’d say such allegations may carry just a tiny bit of weight, and with the clash between fellow cellar dwellers Essendon coming up faster than the rate of Gold Coast losing players to injury, speculation will be rife that the number one pick is already on the table.
Secondly, and arguably more important than the first, the “Owen” jokes that have become a staple of Fremantle’s miserable season thus far are struggling to meet the demands of the Dockers unprecedented mediocrity and we could soon see the end of the weekly punch-line due to the simple fact that no one will be able to come up with anything new. From all the Owen’s, to Owen-Fyfe and Owen the Saint’s, this could be the end of a beloved feature of Australian comedy.
Thirdly, as my professional and observant eyes survey endless stats sheets, game reports and an insightful article about how Giraffe necks evolved over time, I can’t help but notice the names of professional sports people who could help turn Freo’s season around. From hidden gem’s sitting on the Dockers front porch, to code crossing ex superstars of the NFL (literally just those two, there’s nothing in-between), these are the names Fremantle should be picking up in this year’s draft.
You’re goddamn right. The lanky, curly haired prodigy who was so unceremoniously discharged from the Carlton Football Club is currently playing for the Fremantle affiliated Peel Thunder in the WAFL. Unbelievably he’s not already on Fremantle’s playing list despite having extensive AFL experience and the fact that in Peel’s round three match-up against Swan Districts, the match report states that “Key defender Josh Bootsma had a solid game, notching ten disposals.” Bootsma could be a solid long term prospect down back and together with Zac Dawson, they could craft a fearful unit in defense for years to come.
The Hayne Plane crashed back to Earth in dramatic fashion as it was revealed the San Francisco 69ers would not be renewing Haynes contract for the new season. Considering the recent successes of such code hopping players like Karmichael Hunt and Israel Folau, he may well invest in a career at the highest level of Australian Rules.
I hope you enjoyed the first edition of the Silly Segment. Feel free to leave a comment in the reply section below.